Today I had an airsoft gun war with my brother and friends. The bullets gave a stinging feeling, but they didn't hurt too bad. We set up boards in my yard for cover, and made up war scenarios. It was fun, and I'll probably have more airsoft gun wars throughout the summer.

You know, I'm no philosopher. I don't have all the answers to the way life works. I wish I did though, because everything would be simpler. I do have experiences though. It seems experiences speak for everything. I believe, from what I know, that people simply seek happiness. It's the most natural thing that can come to a human being. Unfortunately, some people deal with any feeling less than happy differently. This results in chaos between people a lot of the time. It's the reason for drama. A lot of people deal with drama by running from it, which seems to create more drama, and only works as a temporary solution. If the situation is completely ignored, and is never seen in the light of day again, there's still issues somewhere in the universe. What ran from the drama just can't see them, and what didn't run is just left without answers, and probably hurt. It's funny how that works. I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about. There's a boy and a girl. The boy meets the girl. They get to know each other. Boy let's girl in on his life. Girl let's boy in on her life. There lives grow together. Boy looks at girl like he can't imagine another day without girl in it. Girl feels the same. Suddenly, boy begins to disappoint girl. Girl doesn't let it get between them, because of how much boy means to her. Boy disappoints again. Girl grabs a chainsaw and chops down what life was grown between them like it was nothing. Meanwhile boy stands confused. He messed up several times, but even though he did, he was willing to do anything for girl. The reason he was willing to do anything was because boy looks at girl like he can't imagine another day without girl in it. The girl could disappoint boy as many times as she wanted, but boy's view would never change. His life consisted of girl so much, that the life that was grown between girl and boy had no chance of falling. Not even from girls chainsaw, and yet it fell. Girl was tired of disappointment. Even though she once said she could not imagine another day without boy in it, it didn't matter. Disappointment was enough reason to let boy go. Girl wasn't happy. She decided to run from the problems. Girl went on with her life, and she sees happiness without boy in it. Girl ignored the situation, which made everything better. Where is boy now? He's not trying to not imagine another day without girl in it, because he's living it. The problems haven't left him, because girl gave them all to him and left. Life works like this in several ways, unfortunately. The happiness of one does not concern the other, but it does though the other's eyes.

Trust is something I can no longer have with people. I can always have some trust, but not too much. This is because I gave all my trust to someone that I was close with, and after a year they left me, resulting in me shredding what trust I had for them. Eventually another person came along, claiming they wouldn't ruin their trust with me, like the last person. Once again, I had to rid of my trust with them. Most recently another person came into my life, and listened to my problems. They seemed trustworthy, but I kept my guard up considering what had happened to me previously. Today I get a text from that person, telling me not to bother text messaging them. No reason in the world, as far as I know. I'm hurt, because I can't keep trust with people.

There's a good reason for me to be concerned with myself being single. I'm the type of person that can't be single at this point in my life. This is because I feel like I need someone there for me that I can tell everything to. I need someone I can call and ask about their day every single day. I need someone to care for me. I need someone I know is going to be there for me until the very end. I need someone I can share my ideas with. I need someone that I can listen to, and love everything they have to say. I need someone that can keep me company. I need someone to watch movies with me while we're wearing pajamas. I need someone I can hang out with on a regular bases. I need some form of intimacy. I need what I can't get with my friends and family. I need someone to love. A person who's been single all their life may disagree with me, but they don't know how good it feels to have someone so close. I miss that, and I can't function properly without it.

I'm beginning to have nightmares. Just when I think I can live without my ex-girlfriend, my mind screws me over. I was laying down, and as I was falling asleep, I saw this girl in an orange jacket. She had long brown hair in a ponytail. It appeared to be how my ex looked when I first met her. We were walking up to the movie theater in Bismark, North Dakota. We watched a movie that we had been looking forward to seeing. A day I remember well, and because I loved that day with her, it hit me hard. My heart just wanted to shut down at this memory. Whenever I get the time to stop and think, I think about several other memories like the one I just said. Sometimes these thoughts I have are easy to let go, and they don't affect me so much. Other times they ruin my day. I honestly want what I had. What I don't want is my ex. I'm at this phase where I don't want to stop searching, until I find the girl that has the potential to make me feel as happy I was, or maybe even happier. There's a lot of factors that go into the girl I want. The first thing I seem to have an issue with is attractiveness. In all honesty, there is no girl I've laid my eyes on that seems more beautiful to me than my ex. I know one day I'll lose what beauty I see in her, but for now it's not happening. Personality won't be a problem, I know. Situation is a big issue for me though. I need someone that I can see almost all the time, because that's what I had. I can't date someone with parents that never lets them do anything. This seems like it will be next to impossible to find. Those three factors matter to me, because that's what I had. That's what made me happy.

I wake up, and there she is again. My ex girlfriend still walks through my mind every day. I have one other on my mind that makes me incredibly happy, but what does that matter? How does that matter when my heart aches for my ex girlfriend. Until this heartbreak is gone, I can't date. It doesn't seem to fade though. As for today, I'm not doing anything except school work. Summer is in three days, and I have some stuff to catch up on.

I couldn't sleep last night. My thoughts were on my ex girlfriend. I ended up watching a depressing movie which didn't help, and I stayed up until four in the morning. Right now I just want to sleep. As for today, I went to school, and I went to the park to help Kayla babysit.

My ex girlfriend continues to fill my mind, leaving my heart in pain. I'm still taking the break up day by day. It seems like my life will never be as good as it would have been with her in it. To vent, I write songs and play guitar more than I used to. I put a cover of one of my songs on YouTube. I plan to put some more up for anyone that likes them. I might even create an album before I get over this. Sometimes I wish this was just a horrible nightmare. Anyway, today I overslept until three. So I missed a whole day of school. I've never done that before. I don't know what's up with me, but in a way I do.

Today I killed my friendship with my ex girlfriend. It will be better for me, because it would be awful to hang out with someone that I'm on love with, when they don't feel the same way for me. Today I went to school, and that was boring. Then, I played Minecraft with Blake Aubol and Ryan. Lastly, I hung out with Blake Widing, Kayla, and Sierra. They're good friends, and exactly what I need to get through the issues in my life. We all went for a walk around a park. Blake and I later left, and we counted down the time to his eighteenth birthday. Happy Birthday, Blake!

Drastic change has come to my life. It throws off how my life used to be, and was supposed to be. It seems I have to restart, and leave everything I said throughout my writings behind me. I've written so many posts, and made so many video blogs about one person. This person was my girlfriend, KoKo Pesch. I can no longer say that though. She left me. My relationship that made my life as happy as it was is over. I'm not going to dwell on it too much. I have decided to start over. It's the only way to get through this. Besides losing the most important thing to me, I'm done working at Hugos. I didn't really care for that job. I'm hoping to get a job at Digi-Key next school year, and I think it will make me happier. This summer I'm going to work with my friend, and his grandpa. It's just various jobs that pay. Today I played Minecraft on Xbox 360 with my friends. It was fun. Now, I'm text messaging my new friend, Kayla.